How to regain confidence and affection in marriage after a fight.
By Pastor Akindele Victor
An adage says we can’t come back from court of law and still be friends. It is very challenging for spouses to come together as normal after a long standing quarrel or misunderstanding. That time of resentment, that period of grudges, that moment you are hurt or feel down casted or disenchanted is not easily forgotten.
But carrying all the bitterness and memory of the wrongs and disappointment of your partner in your head is not the solution to happiness and togetherness in that marriage rather it will lead to more wrath and resentment.
If you continue in that state of mind you will find your self enduring the marriage instead of enjoying it.
These are what you should do to build back your confidence, your romance and affection according to www.loveclinictower.com pastor:
- Give a deliberate hugging: Naturally, an unhappy partner will want to distant and disintegrate him / her self from the spouse even when on the same bed but doing that will only prolonged the fight and resentment. You may not feel like doing it but just do it, it is a secret of affection in marriage. The more you hug each other, the more you gradually let go of the loads of your resentment and bitterness. You are gradually building affection by doing that.
- Be verbal in your love confession: You just have to say it, confess it to your partner. If you are hurt by your partner, the last thing you may want to say is I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! not so? You will tell me he does not deserve it, am I right? But that is not going to help the marriage. If you are unhappy, confess your love. You will find yourself living what you say with your mouth but if you do not, you will find your self living what you carry in your heart. What do you chose? Heaviness or Love?
- Make love together: Most couples deprived themselves the joy in love making in the name of anger. Couples who fight always but never compromise when it comes to sex will last and settle their differences faster than those who may not even exchange words with each other but deprive themselves sex in marriage. If you want to get back your self quick after a time of misunderstanding, make love together and mean it. Keep doing it not because you feel like doing it but because it is a magic or natural way/medicine that will bring you back and stronger. You may want to say EVEN WHEN I DON’T FEEL LIKE DOING IT? That’s exactly what I said, do it again and again even when you don’t feel like doing it, but do it with your open mind. That is a medicine God naturally gave to us to cement our marriage no matter the fight. When you allow sex die in your marriage, your marriage is already dead, though with sex, you can still revive it again. Try it, it is a powerful tool to bring couples together again.
- Be mutual in your efforts: Marriage is for two and not a single person, any effort to come together normal again should be mutual, so cooperate with your spouse in any case to be sure your affection is revive towards your partner. No single person can build a home, when your partner say I LOVE YOU, there should be a reciprocate / response from the other partner. When a partner make a move for sex, there must be cooperation from the other partner. Happiness, success, romance, affection etc in marriage is a mutual commitment. Only one partner can never carry the burden else it will lead to frustration. If you do not cooperate, you are frustrating your marriage and God will hold you responsible, to avoid God’s judgement, cooperate with your spouse to regain your confidence and affection.
- Pray for your spouse: This may sound awkward to some people, how can I pray for someone that does not make me happy? You may say, but remember Jesus said pray for your enemy if they ask you for food give them. The same bible encourages us to live in peace with all men, that’s God’s own way to encourage peace in the world. If God expects us to live in peace with everyone, then He will want us to live in peace with our spouses. Pray for your husband/wife, ask God for mercy, ask God to save him/her, ask God to bless him/her. Anything good, wish your spouse, the more you pray for him/her the more you become connected unconsciously, isn’t what you want? Then follow it up spiritually.
- Make yourself free with your spouse: It is very unfortunate to know that some wife/husband have really allowed disintegration between them and their partner to an extent they are no more free to talk to the partner at will or to ask for anything when they need it. Some are living together but are apart by their attitudes, some wife have allowed themselves strained from their husband to an extent that children is now the spoke persons to their husband, what an irony! Some relationship has degenerated to the point where the wife can not tell the husband I need something from you, she fights constantly within her self and keep any burden or feelings to her self because of what she has allowed in her marriage. Please, marriage is this once after here no more marriage in heaven so why will you allow that same marriage to send you to heaven untimely? Never pretend in your marriage, open up to one another, touch freely, hug freely, be free to tell him I need sex, eh, just make your self happy in your marriage jooo. Make your self free with your partner now no matter the circumstances, do not allow you situation control you but control that situation to your own favour.
If you don’t know what else to do talk to a marriage counselor now.
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Pastor Akindele Victor