What you are about to read are very vital information about family background and its influence on marriages, but this is not the aim for this write up. As a couple,the life experiences shared here are to help you consider how you lay the foundation of marriage for your children. If you are from a family background described below, you must not dwell in it, with new knowledge and information, you can make what was wrong in your family background right in your own marriage now for the sake of your children.
If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?
Before you can correct any wrong, you have to be a righteous man, on your own this is impossible, but with God you can make it. Just be born again and allow Christ to take over the affairs of your home.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Robert has this to say.
Every family is a “marriage university” where both partners teach their children what a marriage, what a relationship is all about.
If the father is a violent psychopath, their children learn, that “women ain’t worth it” and you should humiliate and hit them, because they are “stupid bimbos”
This will have a shattering, devastating effect on the future relationships or the marriages of the children.
Maybe the son will start hitting and humiliating his own wife, because of the lessons his wife beating daddy gave him.
Or the son will show the opposite reaction: He is so afraid of becoming a violent wife beater like his dad, that he will never put boundaries on his future wife.
He will lay down on the floor like a doormat, feel like a doormat, and allow his wife to walk all over him like he is a doormat.
If his friends tell him it is time to put boundaries on his wife, he’ll say:
“What do you recommend I should do? Hit her? Humiliate her? I will not, because I am not an SOB wife beater like my dad!”
But he has never learned, how you can respectfully put boundaries on a woman, without threatening, scaring, hitting or beating her.
And what about the daughter who had a nymphomaniac for a mother?
She found her mother in bed with strange men many times.
Since her father was a sailor, being away from home for many weeks, her mother had all the time in the world and the opportunity to live out her “hobby” to the extreme.
The daughter learns, that men are naive, stupid little boys, who will never put boundaries on women, because they are crying, whimpering cowards. They are expendable! They are male sex dolls, you should enjoy! But never enter into a real relationship with a man! Avoid trust and intimacy at all costs!
The way your parents teach you, what a relationship or marriage is about, has life long, lasting effects.
I have had two relationships with women who had been sexually abused by their father.
My first partner committed suicide after our relationship was over.
It is hugely, hugely important to get to know your partner, before you get married.
Listen to his/her stories about his/her family, childhood, mother, father.
When a man buys himself a car, he will technically inspect it.
But many people jump into a marriage, without having taken the time to get to know their future partners.
Another practical View
Take my word for this one, I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been in serious relationships with two women where each was headed toward marriage. First let me tell the family background and past of each, along with how the relationship went☺️
Katelyn from Lancaster, PA came from a family where they bragged about pulling the wool over cops eyes to get out of trouble. The mother was serial cheating on the father and left them all behind. The father was a regular smoker and drinker that didn’t really ever talk to the kids. One sister was very good, and has had a stable life. The twins however have not. Natalie slept with 19 guys and did cocaine. My ex Katelyn had a history of cheating on many guys, sleeping around, regular drinking, not working, asking others to pay for her, extreme self- centeredness, and being very hateful whenever relationships ended. However some of this I didn’t know at the beginning and it wasn’t until I had had enough that did I piece it all together.
My current girlfriend is Jess. Jess has a very tight knit family of religious people who are actually serious about their religion. The two brothers have served missions. The parents have always stayed together and loved their kids very much. They were encouraging and supportive along with being good role models. Jess grew up in a community where girls partied and got pregnant young. Jess was smart and stayed away from all that. She isn’t a partier, she’s never cheated and doesn’t understand it, she has been cheated on, she doesn’t drink, she is educated and family oriented.
The relationship with Katelyn turned out she also serial cheated on me and lied to me like many in her past. Though she would say she loved me, wanted to get married, and wouldn’t cheat the reality was her past and family matched what happened in our relationship. I’m lucky to be done with her.
The relationship with Jess is very good. If anyone is the weak link it’s me. She goes out of her way for me. She buys me things and cooks for me. I trust her. We have a very loving and stable relationship built on trust and love. It is a relationship 10X better than Katelyn. We are headed toward marriage and unlike Katelyn, I feel blessed and lucky.
Trust me. Family history and past makes all the difference. If someone has a history of cheating, being lazy, lies, poor decisions, drinking, hurting others, being self centered don’t fall for the I have suddenly changed crap. Past predicts future.
Read another view
Family background determines your future destiny. I and my sisters made a such big mistakes marrying to men from low class. Even we tried several times to divorce they did not divorce. They are glued to profit. My husband comes from a family who has just money but not really educated. I married to my husband because he was graduated from a university with degree of bachelor and he was handsome. Everybody was adored his beautiful face. But that was just not enough. The education is something more than that. I struggled living with him due to his background. I went down myself from highly educated position which was contributing to society since I have to adjust myself to his level. At the end it did not work. I wanted to divorce, but he never goes away from me. From here you can see that family background plays a significant role in your life and future. University degree sometimes is not enough. My family had for 3 generations worked in the government in high position and contributed to the development of society in a significant manner. When I married I stopped all my work because he was telling me that I am not a president of country why I should worry for something like that …. After 15 years of marriage I still want to divorce but no way. After asking divorce he became almost crazy. His brain is almost destroyed with the problem of divorce. I am looking for a right moment how to leave him taking my child, without too much damage to him.
I believe your spouse’s background and past are very important. It contributes greatly to the person they are now. Cultural values, traditions and norms all factor into who a person is and what they value. What a person experienced as a child is also very important. For instance, if your future spouse has experienced significant trauma from either war, natural disasters or abuse and or neglect, it is going to greatly effect how this person deals with and is affected by stress. How did they cope? Have they ever addressed it through therapy? Are your values compatible?
There are so many factors that make up a person’s personality and most of it is formed at a young age. So yes, their family background and relationship past is important to know. How do they relate to their family now? How did past relationships end? Is this person willing to talk about their past? How do they talk about it? Is there blaming, anger, victimization? These are all areas that will provide a great deal of important information in order for you to decide if this a person that is healthy enough with which to join your life.
The initial phases of attraction and love can blind us to red flags that we often choose to ignore or we don’t realize the significance they hold. Take your time getting to know this person very well and know their family. How do they interact with their family? All these things will give you insight into the person they truly are and who and what you will be dealing with in the future.
We are all imperfect and none of us come through life unscathed, however, it is how we choose to deal with our broken parts that sets us apart for success or failure. It is also fortuitous if we can find someone to love whose broken parts fit our own brokenness. We are all flawed, but it is also in the recognition of this that we gain compassion, acceptance, and wisdom.
True life story
It’s very very important.
Just I came to know this morning only how a small enquiry saved her life.
She met an ‘innocent divorcee’ on a matrimonial plat form.
She is a young widow of 25 years. Known to me. Such a terrible accident. Both of them drowned in an freaky accident in their honey moon. Both of them were rescued. After three days suffering her husband died. She was under shock for almost one year. Both of them were colleagues in a reputed bank. They were in love for few years before marriage. But see the fate! Just after marriage, within one month her marriage finished . She was branded as a misfortune in both side families. She is staying separate on her own. Her mother worries a lot about her but still believes in all these astrologers who says her daughter had some problems in horoscope. She did so many remedies and conducted so many pujas also.
She loves her daughter, but whenever she sees she vents out her pain and frustration on her!
So daughter (let me call ‘sia’) stays separate from maternal family. Inlaws family cut all the relations immediately after their son’s death.
She refused to remarry again. now nearing her late twenties. We all tell her ‘forget about past. You are too young to decide to live alone life long. Nothing wrong in remarrying.
One day she phoned ‘aunty! My boss wants to marry me! He proposed. He is also a divorcee. No kids. My friends says ‘he is a good person why can’t you say yes? But I am confused. He appears decent but I don’t know! I am not sure about him. In fact I met him through matrimonial site. For my sake he got transferred to my branch as my boss!! Both of us are in same field, same office!! He is six years elder to me. What do you say?
Another one is a software engineer. his wife died in a bus accident. This came through relatives. His work is entirely different. You know I am from finance side, he is software side, both working places are in different cities too. He is willing to come here otherwise also I can take transfer to his place. Tell me aunty, what to do? We both are of same age.
The second man, personally I didn’t meet but both of them sound as gentle man. What to do aunty? First one only I know. Second match came through our relatives. Sia said.
I told her ‘sia! First deal your boss since you met him already. Do one thing!bring the topic of his ex wife! Observe how he is reacting. If he is fumbling or little restless and uncomfortable, you realise there is something you got to know about him. If he is angry then major part of problem might be from his wife for his divorce but you need to probe thoroughly. I may be wrong also. This is my wild guess. Who ever are honest would talk to you looking in to your eyes. Won’t try to escape the topic.
Deal one by one. Nowadays no one is innocent. Meet his ex once. Ask him about his ex.
Sia said ok.
Today she called. Her boss have all the pretexts to not to give his ex details. Somehow she pulled out all her details and met her. She went chennai to find about her and finally met her.
His ex was so surprised it seems to meet her. She wondered and told it’s the first time she saw some one consulting her whether to marry her ex husband or not!!
She told Sia how he harassed her for money, how he took all possible loans on her job. Emotionally blackmailed her to get her share from his dad’s property. She fought against her brothers and parents and took the property and gave him.
She too was working in finance. He harassed her mentally, physically, financially and finally left her when she delivered a physically challenged baby. Her partnership in her husband’s dream projects were snipped without even her knowledge!!
She smiled and told sia it seems. He is expert in his field. He can smell money wherever it is. He is an investor. Have very unrealistic dreams. To fulfill them he can walk on any one’s neck without any remote repentance! He wants easy money. Not hard earned money. No blood, no sweat! Use others! That’s it!
She showed all the evidences and her daughter.
Sia was horrified. Thanked her for help, in fact she saved her life. Again cross verified what she was told is correct or not. The court and divorce details also she has taken from her. Because of her daughter that lady left her best paid job and now working as a teacher in her daughter’s special school.
She said with pain it seems, ‘she wonders her husband ,the person who is responsible for her child’s physical deformity could eat food peacefully still!! He beat her violently when she was pregnant. Thinking of marrying again a scape goat!
Sia cried loud. ‘Aunty! I am saved. Thank you for telling me to meet his ex. I don’t want any marriage in my life. I had enough of these people and surveys’.
I scolded her. ‘He doesn’t represent entire man kind. He is an aberration. Take your time. First tell him frankly or change your branch. It would convey the message to him. If he talks anything more, confront him in front of every one in office. He himself would run away. He knows your job and it’s advantages very well. You work in venture capital field. So you are a golden duck for him if wags his tail again threaten him you would file a harassment case!
Now get rid of him. Take some time and decide about the other match. At the same time find out details about him too. Definitely you would meet someone. Your husband loved you a lot. He would definitely won’t leave you like this. From heaven he would look after you and send someone definitely to take care of you. A good companion for life this time.
Don’t tell this to your mom. Again she would talk some nonsense about your horoscope. In fact your horoscope saved you this time.’
So , according to me it’s important to know your level best to enquire, understand your future spouse’s past and present, nature, character and family background before marriage. It doesn’t matter to me whether it is arranged marriage or love marriage.
by Jerry Joo
Marriage is a covenant relationship entered into willingly by two responsible adults of the opposite sex for primarily companionship and procreative purposes.
It is at the apex of all other human relationships and need to be respected and sustained with enduring virtues.
I vividly remembered before I got married, during our courtship having resolved to settle down with my fiancee I proceeded to address the following vital marital issues, namely:
I formally made known my intentions to my dad who inquired to know how truly I loved my fiancee and secondly, hope I appreciate that marriage is a very serious relationship never to be trivialised or chickened out of at the slightest face of provocation.
Secondly, my parents delegated a reliable close family friend who is extensively conversant with my fiancee’s family root and background to enable establish the following:
(a). Weither her family is an “Osu” or outcast. This is a type of cultural believe system associated with persons consider defiled or likened to the uncircumcised in the Jewish tradition. This is practiced amongst the Igbo speaking tribe in eastern Nigeria. In the invent that her family is from the outcast background the marriage will cease to hold.
(b). Inquiry is equally made regarding wether her family has history of mental sickness.
On the second question, i wish to look at it from two perspectives, namely
In relation to the health status of both couples. For example the case of sickle cell, disorder.
To establish weither any of the couples already has had a child out of wedlock.
In view of the above mentioned reasons it is wise and appropriate to know both the background and the past of your spouse for a better informed decision before getting married.
Murali Manohar view
If you are in love with someone nothing seems to be important but knowing the background of the person you love is very very important.
If you watch the crime reports you will know about real cases where people show what they are not and trap the other person to get married. There are cases wherein criminals and already married people change their identities and marry again to hide from their pasts. They also do it for money, sex, a better life and other such advantages.
All people around you are not bad but you cannot rule out presence of any such person either. One should be more careful for people you meet through social media, dating sites or matrimonial sites. It’s always better if there is a common friend who is known to both the persons who want to marry.
The known and so called good persons also found giving wrong information about their qualifications, position and salaries. It is common for people to hide about their addictions, other behavior related problems, liabilities, even some kind of sickness etc. from a person they want to marry for obvious reasons.
When we go for purchasing some vegetable and fruits, we always assured for it’s quality and select the best available in the heap, we see the price too, why not be careful when we select a partner for life?
Another View By: John GOTTMAN
Stable Marriages come basically in 3 types:
Conflicts avoiding Marriages
Family is the cradle where most of us started this life, it’s where we learned the basics of “how to love and how to be loved”. It is where the most profound aspects of our personality got cemented. To some extent, someone who has (serious) family issues will be bringing them into the marriage, there’s no way around it.
Knowing his or her past, knowing the family members and watching the interactions between the group can give you a window on how you are about to be treated in your couple. It can help you determine the type of person your spouse is and either adapt or run for your life.
Validators tend to acknowledge the other opinion and work to create common ground.
Conflict -avoiders just want to be done with it, they won’t discuss or change their opinion, they don’t see the point of arguing.
Volatile people love a good fight, it’s where they feel free and secure enough to vent whatever opinion they have.
What kind of person are you? What kind of person he or she is? How are their parents, it’ll give you a pretty good pick into what made them who they are today.
Yes and I would go from my experience. My ex wife had a terrible abusive father and all that torment she experienced was brought into our marriage. Her mother was also beaten by her father. Her gandfathers were also abusive. It’s a pity I didn’t understand the psychology of marrying a women with severe father issues. It’s extremely important that a daughter and a father have a good relationship or else the man is gonna have a hard time for sure or highly likely. I work on my relationship with my daughters alot. I dont want them to be hateful of men. Maybe a few women can recover from having bad fathers. It’s just my opinion: never date a women with father issues ever.
As for family background, it’s always good to know if the family is linked to criminal activities etc then you stay away.
Then again, when u are young and stupid, you dont think much and go with your biological urges
As for men’s family, women should look out if he is into drugs and alcohol or a lazy person who cannot get his life going. One way to find out and you will is through his friends and family and watch how he behaves. Also look and see how his relationship is with his mother as that is going to affect you. If you are he is a mummy’s boy then u got problems there and there. If he screams and talks to his mum then you certainly not gonna be respected.
Finally, if you want to marry this person and see that they all are unhealthy and overweight and your spouse to be has a weight problem then that PROBABILITY of changing is gonna be low. If you are a healthy and fit person then dont date an u healthy overweight person. You will sure as hell fight alot and surely be frustrated and unhappy.
If I could do things differently,MAKE SURE YOU KNOW AT LEAST SOMETHING ABOUT THE FAMILY.
If you have ungodly background never allow that continue in your marriage, as a husband or as a wife you can change the story and lay the foundation on Christ today.
If you need help or direction or you are ready to give your life to Christ, text or WhatsApp me.
Pastor Akindele Victor
God bless you.